Resolutions are so fleeting, friends. Which is why I've really taken some time to think through mine this time around. And as I've been making little lists all over the house for things I need to do, buy, get rid of, replace - something kind of significant hit me.
I've been weighed down by some self-imposed guilt.
Some of you might think, well, what's new? Self-guilt is so obviously a part of our lives, as women and especially as moms.
But you guys! It shouldn't be. We shouldn't be walking around with a tally in our heads, of what we didn't accomplish for the day. It's self-sabotage. And it's working! Do any of you do that? Am I alone in this? I know I'm not. I can't be.
Dishes didn't get done.
House looks trashed.
Blog post didn't get posted.
Didn't send out enough pitch emails today.
Did I play enough with Everett? Does he feel well-loved by me today?
Didn't make a healthy dinner. Grilled cheese.
Clearly didn't exercise. Gym? What gym??
Didn't spend enough quality time with Stevie. Does he feel well-loved by me today?
Do I feel well-loved by me today??
The questions and judgements are dizzying. And they didn't come from anyone else. No one asked me those questions. No one pointed that finger at me. Except for me.
Sometimes I'm hard on myself. But that's not a cute realization. It's not a form of humility, being hard on yourself. It doesn't sharpen me into being a better person. And it certainly doesn't inform my marriage, my motherhood, my friendships or my work in a healthy way. In fact, over time, this way of thinking will drain my energy and creativity for all those entities.
So before I even think about goals, or resolutions, or dreams for the new year, I need to level with myself.
Are you ready to level with yourself?
I've been thinking a lot about this. If I'm going to make any kind of difference in my personal life this year, probably the best thing I can do is start with forgiveness. I need to be good to myself.
I forgive me. For sometimes crapping out on stuff.
I am going to try to do better this year. I might not do better, but I am giving myself permission to start with a fresh, clean slate. A clean, bright horizon for new possibilities. I am not going to be weighed down by what I "should have done better/more of/less of" in 2015. That list is long. Whatever. I am visualizing that long list. And now I am visualizing throwing that list in the trash.
Actually, I just slam dunked it. In some really fresh Nikes.
I encourage you to forgive yourself today. There is nothing that is more freeing, more illuminating, and more nourishing than being really good to yourself. Recognizing where your strengths ran out in the past. Coming to terms with the areas where you made mistakes. Understanding what held you back from being your best version of you. Gossip, love of money, lack of money, fear, fear of rejection, dreams lost, doors closed, relationships ending badly - whatever it may be, it's truly in the past now. And the best you can do for you is to see it for what it is, acknowledge its part of your journey, and say goodbye. Forgive others, if you need to. Forgive yourself, most definitely.
And now. There is nothing holding you back from running fast and strong into the rising blue-skied horizon. That horizon is yours. And you can run (in some really fresh Nikes) toward all the goals bursting forth in your heart. Without resentment. Without punishment. Without that gnawing self-sabotage lurking just behind you.
Join me. Begin this year by being really, really good to yourself.